oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
