Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
