If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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