no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
