she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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