what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
