Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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