My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
