how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
