My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
