I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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