I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
