He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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