OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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