Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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