There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
