why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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