if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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