i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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