Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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