he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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