It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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