I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
