Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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