The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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