I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
