I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Girls should come with a carfax report
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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