im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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