My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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