Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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