Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
