Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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