dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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