I just cut my nipple shaving
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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