filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
