My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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