Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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