I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.