Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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