apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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