Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
