just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
