I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
