I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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