Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
