So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
