When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
