My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Quick, to the slutcave!
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my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize