Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
