So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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