i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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