apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
