I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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