theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
